I don’t usually like to talk too much about my personal life beyond living with autism but I’ve been divorced almost eight years now. That’s quite a while. I feel like I spent my entire thirties alone as a single mom. I have tried dating, with not much success, and exactly one year ago tonight, after a horrible experience on lovely Valentine’s Day, I swore off trying to find a nice guy in LA.
On one hand it was completely liberating and a huge relief. It takes a lot of time and effort to do the dating scene, whether it’s online, creating a profile, searching and weeding through the masses, or just making an effort to be out more, and not in professional scenes, but in public social scenes. It’s a lot of pressure to feel the need to find someone, to feel you are only one half of whole. I have never understood that expression, “my other half,” as if you are not a whole person without someone else. I feel pretty whole myself.
On the other hand, have I done myself any favors? Have a secluded myself or worse, closed myself off to any opportunities? Maybe.
After last Valentine’s, I wrote a little comment on my Facebook page…
It’s a sad situation when I feel the need to add this to my online dating profile… “… I heard recently a man’s biggest fear of online dating is meeting a woman fatter than her photos and a woman’s biggest fear is being murdered! Haha! But seriously… if you are a closet-drug-user (keep a narcotics dealer on speed dial), an alcoholic-in-denial (if you’ve been kicked out of a bar in the last month for drunk and disorderly conduct this may be an indicator), if you’ve ever left your ex with stitches after a quarrel, if you’re racist or bigoted, make fun of the disabled, or if you’re an out-of-work actor, please move on to the next profile. I’m afraid these are too much for me to take on, especially in combination!”
I think after dating a bit, I should write a book for men… “What NOT To Do on Your 1st Dates with a Girl.”
1. Don’t look as though you just rolled out of bed, wear a t-shirt inside-out with un-matching sweat pants that look dirty, and old baseball cap (later is ok, but not yet!) And wash your hair. Especially when she’s dressed up.
2. Say “Online dating is just like a catalog of women… you fit 9 out of my 10 criteria!”
3. Date the girl’s friend right after that.
4. Get kicked out of a bar for being drunk… or get wasted drunk in the first place!
5. Talk about your “psycho-ex’s” mental instability
6. Go on for hours about your recently deceased wife, “You look just like her… She was a photographer too… she was blond… her name started with K… do you do yoga, she did yoga…”
…To be continued…
Continued… more on posting your online dating profile…
1. Be sure to post only photos of you flexing, shirtless, in various scenarios: in front of your (big name) sports car, on a mountain top doing -, in a waterfall, in the woods, in the dark, straddling a motorcycle flexing those tri’s, and of course, holding a gun or some other weapon, but have one hand “casually” pulling your short shorts down at the waist (weapons are hot!)
2. For your profile picture, if you don’t know a good facial expression, watch the movie Zoolander.
3. When a girl states a certain age range, and you’ve surpassed it by at least 10 years, be sure to ignore that, by all means, and persist! Keep sending emails! Tons of them! Insisting she has no idea what’s she’s talking about, she has no idea what she’s missing, etc.! Or ignore the fact completely, even though she put it in all caps and stated deep life-experience reasons. Show her that her opinion is merely silly consequence!
4. “Your Latest Read” should always be something shorter than a 3 paragraph article in a magazine, preferably Men’s Health, or better yet, Maxim.
5. If it’s St. Patty’s Day, be SURE to send a pic of you dressed as a Leprechaun, chugging a gallon of green beer… and holding a weapon! (It’s still hot!)
6. If you can’t figure out the Leprechaun outfit, the go-to “dick-pic” is ALWAYS sure to please!!!
…and, more on that dating book I’ll write…
7. When you are texting 2 girls at once, telling them each how special they are, know that they, in fact, may know each other and compare text messages!! (Soon I’m going to have to start naming names!) Haha!
Well… anyway… Recently I’ve begun talking to another single parent friend about venturing back out into dating. He was married for nineteen years, so his decision to get back out there is quite significant. He has been fairly brave, had a short relationship since, and just asked someone new out. Good for him! I’ll just go back to work over here on my photos… gosh, I have a lot to do! Was that the oven-timer going off?
I actually successful managed to change the subject of that conversation and we started talking about photography again, our shared passion. I told him about the interior design I just shot the other day. It was so cool! He asked what I was using for “post” (processing the photos in the computer after shooting).
“What version of Lightroom are you in?”
“4,” I replied. I could hear the confusion in his voice. I guess this version is way-outdated! “I like 4. And besides, I have everything set up just the way I like it. I have my workflow down, I have all my library and presets just the way I want them. If I upgrade, it might screw everything up and it will be so much more work and nothing will be like I’m used to.”
* Silence for a minute on the phone *
“Kris, is this a metaphor for your life?”
“You’re not taking a chance and seeing what’s new because you are so comfortable with the current system and afraid of what might happen with a new version. You’re not upgrading your life.”
“Ha!” That was so funny… and really right on… I had to laugh. Mind you, he might be the man who is now upgrading constantly and virtually ditching last month’s model on Craig’s List for this month’s hotter shinier model that does more tricks!
Well, after a little laugh, I had to think this was pretty poetic. Is there any truth to this? Should I venture back out into the scary world of dating in LA? Aaagghhh! The thought’s enough to bury anyone in their Lightroom, isn’t it?! And the more serious question, do I dare upgrade my Lightroom 4 and Photoshop 5?!
… to be continued
Happy Valentine’s Everyone!