I was in my therapist’s office today and actually can’t believe some things. On my drive there, I decided to not listen to my usual music, which I am getting sick of anyway, and decided to start my new book on audio, by Dr. Habib Sedeghi, Clarity. It’s right in alignment with everything I am reading and doing right now, my emotional shift, my Year of Living Positively. So I really appreciate the forward, even though it’s by Gwyneth Paltrow, a mention of chakras, healing the inside, getting to the root of illness, not just applying a western band-aid, by addressing the cause of issues, which may very well be, emotional. And Dr. Sadeghi points out that he believes, all emotions, if not felt, dealt with, and processed, root themselves at the cellular level, possible causing great illness if not only minor physical symptoms. This, I truly believe. I have feared that while eating salmon and kale all day and getting the right exercise, I just may just get sick from stress or maybe even depression!

So with this little introduction to my book, I go into my therapist. I tell her of my continued optimism for this year, growing strength, since I told her of my resolutions last week, and of the two dreams I could remember. They were actually monumental dreams, representing transformation and growth. I did a small little self-high-five and back-pat! My therapist continued in her usual manner… with funny old anecdotes, and pulled out the same book she always pulls out, Bion’s essays, the one she let me borrow for about a month that I never got to, almost a year ago! I remember vaguely that she briefly mentioned the author came at psycho-analysis and treating autism with a Buddhist approach, something that I must also have brushed off a year ago. I had just finished comparing her reasoning on accepting my emotions as a necessary tool for thinking and reasoning. Emotion, reason, judgment… I can never really remember the order or the complete explanation, I just gathered that emotions are a critical component for reasonable rational thinking and judgment, something that I was not raised to know! I compared this to the Buddhist story of Buddha sitting under the tree and inviting his worry to sit with him. He was so calm and content not because he ignored his worry, but because he invited it to sit next to him and get to know it. My therapist again pulled out her book by Bion and reminded me Bion was a Buddhist. Or was it the author writing on Bion? I’m not sure but I think she appreciated my comparison.

This Buddhism and my therapist’s again-not-quite-grasped explanation of the emotional-reason-thought process led me to tell how Charlie this morning had used foresight for the first time ever (that I know of)!! As usual, we are rushing just to get out the door in one piece with all parts gathered, we are about to leave hastily, and Charlie says “Mom, headphones on!” WOW! Charlie had never reminded me or remembered himself, for all I know. He used foresight to know that he was going out, it will get loud, we can’t forget the headphones!! I praised him so much with love and his huge accomplishment noticed!

So I get out of my therapist’s office and back into my car to continue with my audio book on the drive home and… Dr. Sadeghi credits his philosophy and entire practice to the 1960’s psychoanalyst, Wilfred Bion! Funny coincidence? Or God-Wink. 😉

Also mentioned by Dr. Sadeghi, the Lao Tsu teachings of the vessel, which in all honesty after reading and studying the I Ching for how many years, I never did quite get! “Be an empty vessel.” What?! “An empty vessel is beneficial in what it is, and useful in what it is not.” Again, what!? The vessel is a container, to contain and hold what it needs and let go of what is not, useful to be empty and able to be filled. So in writing this, I find that I need to work on this one still, I did understand it at the time. Clearly, it needs to be processed some more by my western mind. I’m hoping Clarity will give me some clarity! Haha!

The other key thing that may be so monumental to me is the word Love. After hearing this, and thinking I got it all this time, and even by others that I don’t think “got it,” it was suddenly a light bulb moment there in my car in Beverly Hills. I thought that I have “loved myself,” I truly like who I am. I thought that when people say you have to be good in yourself, I always answer, but why can’t I also have someone?!

I have had a Love tattoo with infinity sign saved on my computer and as my desktop-wallpaper for years. I mean years. I saved it to my vision board as a symbol of what I wanted. I wanted the love of my life, then we would go get cute tattoos, or at least I would go get the cute tattoo because I had found my Love. I was ignoring the infinity symbol. It was just cute. Last night, I was also looking at Buddhist symbols and saw the infinity, thinking, but I have an infinity necklace I actually made, didn’t make a connection, so what?! As I’m listening to Dr. Sadeghi’s introduction to his book, his why, he says his lab partner talked to him after his cancer diagnosis and said the Love is within him, the Love to cure his cancer. It was Dr. Sadeghi’s life-changing moment, and perhaps mine. This time, I got it. Within a split-second, Dr. Sedeghi said it was also a split-second change for him, I knew that I had the Love I wanted within me. I don’t need someone else to fill it in me. I have it myself. I’d still like to find someone else to love, but because I have so much love. I can fill my own vessel, and someone else’s. And in the split-second, I suddenly did not feel so lonely! For the first moment in years! I also immediately thought of the love tattoo I’ve been staring at for years! Dr. Sadeghi wrote the word Love on the inside of his thumb everyday to remind him, and I have literally wanted it tattooed to my wrist, not to remind me of my own love but of a love from someone else… but I had it backwards! Epiphany!

A reminder from another reading: expect what you have been asking for, but it may not be given in the form you asked for, or be how you envisioned it or what you thought it was. But you will get what you ask for. This was not what I was envisioning, but why not get the tattoo?!